Had an incredibly fulfilling day today. It was a struggle but I managed to get to sleep at a reasonable hour the night before. I'm currently tackling my sleep problems head on. Got up bright and early and headed out to do job sampling for Vocational Rehabilitation Services. I was stationed in a computer lab, in some office building, and worked at entering info from business cards into a computer data bank. And, simply put, I did GREAT. I did the job with energy, precision and satisfaction. My supervisor Stephanie Davis was even more impressed with myself than I was. It was such bliss to have someone of her status impressed with me and the job I had done. But even better than that was the knowledge that I possessed a genuine talent for something that was in demand, something that could support me financially, something that others depended on and required me to perform and afterwards bask in the satisfaction of a job well done. I'm an office administrative assistant now but more importantly I can say I'm an adult. I am proud.

I was struck with my ability to stay awake, for one, and to fixate on the task at hand with no real trouble. I have the ability to go on autopilot while reading and typing and my mind wanders far and wide while I complete my work. Furthermore the act of doing a job I enjoy brings all sorts of different parts of myself to the surface. I began to realize how much I rejoiced in my masculine sense of self-confidence and how much I loved the dreamy summer. Being in that computer/office environment reminded me of my youth wandering around the campus of St. Micheal's in Burlington, Vermont in the summers of the early to mid 1990s. My mom and dad both worked there at one point and sometimes I was there for summer camp and other times just to tag along. The grown-up environment of mysterious classrooms and corridors and nooks and crannies and self-serve cafeterias with pizza and ice cream, and student lounges to play card games in (how grown up I felt!) and sunny lawns and shade under trees... I loved all of it. How much did I really learn about other people? Was I just looking for a backdrop for my imaginary "Alice in Wonderland" and "Peter Pan" games? Perhaps. But I did enjoy myself and we grow up you know.

Went grocery shopping with dad today. Like some ancient hunter-gather I wander through the wilderness of consumerism. To think people actually try to make art of this stuff. I wouldn't pay to study something I eat or wash myself with. I'll never buy a single popwork from Warhol. I remember dad would listen to his Walkman while washing the dishes in our condominium in Burlington, Vermont. I should remember the way he handled work. It might come in handy. But then they invented dishwashers and that kind of took the fun out of it. I take care of that department in her current home.

Nothing like a little Judy Garland to make a bad day into a perfect one. I blare her tunes from stereo speakers. I love her so much. I want her so much. The very sound of her voice lifts me up to a heavenly climax. It's strange but I've never been much for stargazing even when I lived in out in the country in Morrisville, Vermont and you could see a lot on a clear night. I was wrapped up in the hit film of the day Toy Story and formed all my imaginary games around it. We go through phases you know. In Kuwait the city lights blotted out the night sky but there was so much there to grab one's attention. I grew to love the city as it was represented there.

I feel I'm spending this summer in as good a way as it needs to be spent. Just relax and take it as it comes. That's the right way. I always enjoy a bright blue sunny sky and warmth and green grass. Still don't know anyone in the neighborhood but the place is good to me. I absorb it and it's a part of me forever.

I've been reading up on Western paintings of past centuries. I've been into classic art since I was a boy. I love contemplating fantastic uplifting realism. There's never enough time for one painting. I have an emotional need to surround myself with this stuff; the stuff of my European ancestors. Anything to make me feel; to make me love. Of course I like pretty young women even more, the ones right out of the old movies. I watch Judy Garland or Bette Davis act brilliantly in a comedy, drama or musical of Hollywood's Golden Age. It's a slice of another life it is. Then in a dark moment when I'm alone I picture one of them and have them spend time with me and touch me: hug me, kiss me, and pat me on the back. And whisper to me as well through shimmering murmurings. Oh I do well with that sort of company I do. Pray continue, I need it badly.

I want badly to talk more with mom and dad but it's so hard. I dread it. Nothing to say and so scared of it. I'm 23 and in complete awe of my parents. I can listen to them and like it and the renovations they've been doing with the house are fascinating for a curious lad such as me. The slightest change to my environment makes everything seem so much more open and exciting.